My (erotic) life needs no justification

Inside an Erotic Liberation Course at Wellcelium: A Student’s Journey, Ignite! Week 6

The following blog post and headings were written by a student in Wellcelium’s Ignite! course. Quotes below were written by Dr. Pavini Moray as part of the Ignite! course curriculum. The questions and practices sections at the end of this post were developed by Wellcelium to support your exploration.

“One of the great healing technologies is that we get to be known as we are not as we want to be and that we get to be loved as we are, now.” If not by another, then by ourselves.

We are now halfway through the course.

I find myself stepping into a sense of self that is clearer than before. I trust myself more.

I recognise that I’ve crossed my own boundaries countless times and so I have to rebuild an earned sense of trust between different bits of me. So that all of the bits agree to prioritise my well being above my doing-what-I-think-I-should. I know that I don’t already know the answers as to how I will feel about something. I can only feel it. But I can trust that I will be able to feel my yeses and nos if I give them enough space to speak.

I don’t know what’s in the book, or even what language it’s in…

But I know that if I’m brave enough to open it, I’ll learn something, even if it’s not through a usual way of reading.

Maybe I learn about the shapes of the lines on the page, about the texture of the paper and ink, about its smell or the sensation I have when I look at it uncomprehendingly. Or maybe I’ll dive right into a familiar way of communicating and realise I’ve read this plot a million times and want to try responding to it differently.

In any case, I’m the one who gets to read the book of me, I’m the one who’s in charge of researching myself, and I’m making a commitment to continually open this book for the rest of my life.

“One of my favorite sayings by teacher Liu Ming: ‘Resist as much as you possibly can. Only do that which you truly cannot resist.’ Ironically, resisting the process is often a crucial first step. While we can live in denial for a long while, at some point, our own heart becomes our compass. The pull of the truth that resides in our hearts and our genitals may be a quiet truth, but it ultimately is unde­niable.”

Okay, so thus far the course feels like it’s taught me more about being a human who takes responsibility for my life than anything else.

I once had a friend wisely describe the dreaded Saturn Return as the moment when you start living how you want to live instead of how you think you should live. My Saturn Return has passed but this feels like a new one. A good one. I have often justified where I am and what I do based on things that I think will be good reasons to others: jobs, opportunities, relationships.

But here’s the thing: there’s no need to justify how I feel. I’m responsible to myself, first. And sure, that means the feelings of other people, real financial reasons, and other things come into play. But I’m making those ultimate decisions. And if I’m not living the life I want to live, it’s my job to change that.

I’m really excited for this to come into play during sexy times, but I’m more excited about reframing my life.

I feel free, in an interdependent way.

“Sexual liberation is hard-won, every single day. Each day you must choose to traverse the chal­lenging road back to your body, back to your breath, back to your pleasure, back to trust and vul­nerability and intimacy.”

Feeling my yeses and nos, and practicing permission is all clicking into place right now. When I saw this list of The Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2019 by Kinkly, I really saw how each blog’s beauty is in inhabiting its unique truth. All the articles that move me are ones in which I feel someone else accepting their truth.

This week was a heavy one because there was some intense death stuff that happened. Whenever people near me start actively dying or pass on, I am reminded of what feels most important to me, now.

What’s most important is dedicating myself to creating a life that I want to live.

Where I’m doing things that I believe in, whatever that looks like. And when it comes down to it, it’s kind of all about pleasure, isn’t it? Even when I’m being of service to others or doing things I don’t really want to do, that’s because in the long run I want to give to my community, I want to have clean laundry tomorrow, I want to do the work of feeling my hard feelings so that I can know myself and so that I can also feel my good feelings, too. And I’m in charge of that.

Lizzo’s Soulmate has definitely been my anthem this week, in mourning and celebration. I love my partner, but I can only love them fully when I take responsibility for myselves.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Sexual liberation is a process, not a goal. For the rest of your life, you will (if you so choose) be freeing yourself from all of the rules that you have swallowed, either those that are culturally constructed or those that are self-imposed. For the rest of your days, you will be calling yourself home to erotic wholeness.

  • What are the erotic or sexual rules you have made for yourself?
  • What are the rules you were given and have not examined or deconstructed?
  • What rules about your sexuality are you con­sciously practicing?
  • What rules are you unconsciously practicing?

We construct our own erotic limita­tions, our own sexual prison cells, often without realizing it.

Suggested Practice

Make a zine of you. The zine contains all the things you like and don’t like about you. All the things you think a person should know if they want to engage with you deeply and intimately.

This is the zine that insists on your humanity. And doing this practice might just shake out some of that shame we hold around who we truly are.

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