Consent is an important term discussed nowadays in the context of sex. It is a crucial step in having a good intimate experience with a partner. This word carries weight and that has in turn made people feel stressed about gaining informed, and enthusiastic consent.
Consent is defined asking for permission to do something or for something to happen (source), and this definition makes the process seem very formal. It shouldn’t feel like raising your hand in classroom to ask if you can go to the bathroom, it should be about finding out what type of sexy things you and your partner(s) want.
People can be intimidated by asking for consent out of a fear of making things awkward or ruining the mood. It won’t, consent is sexy! Asking someone if they want to do something or what they want to do is hot and makes for a fun and pleasurable time for everyone involved.
Consent is a mutual thing. This means asking and getting consent is a reciprocal process. It’s about understanding each other boundaries. Boundaries are not restrictive, they exist to make sure people feel safe, and are an opportunity to explore different types of intimacy.
Consent is a necessity, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore. The key to consent is having continuous, clear communication. To make the process of asking for and gaining consent sexier, it’s all about how you communicate.
It’s about the language you use. You should be incorporating into your dirty talk rather than phrasing it as a formal question. So, here are some tips on how to transform your “do you want to have penetrative sex with me?” to something more nature and much more seductive.
Ask questions before things get physical.
Before you start touching and getting intimate someone, make sure they are okay with certain touches. You can use simple questions like “I’d really love to kiss you right now, can I?” Questions should be framed so that it’s okay to say no and that things can stop immediately if one person doesn’t feel comfortable. Make sure your tone is not forceful, demeaning or angry.
You can describe what you want to do to your sexual partner, ask if they like the sound of a sexual act, if that turns them on. Ask what your partner wants, can they tell you or show you? Try saying “I’d like to try this, would you?“
Asking for consent can be you setting up your own boundaries to then find out what your partner’s limits are. It could be phrases “I don’t like this [sexual act/touch], what are things that I should steer clear of for you?”
You want to make sure your partner/s are enjoying themselves during sex, particularly as things change, so you should be checking in.
Now this is not the same as constantly asking “are you okay?” That can feel less sexy, especially if it’s every 30 seconds. Instead ask “Do you like it when I do that?”, “does that feel good?”, “can we change positions?”, “can I go harder?” Or “can we slow things down?”
Make sure after you finished that everyone had a good time. You can find out what things your partner/s enjoyed, and what maybe what didn’t turn out to be as sexy as you thought it was in your head. Say things like “I loved when we did [sexual act], was that good for you too?”
It should be noted that the consent asking process is also necessary before you send nude pictures.
Regardless of previous picture exchange, always check if it’s okay and welcomed before you hit send. Sex drives don’t always align. You might be in the mood, but your partner may not want to see a nude while they are at work.
As mentioned before, consent is a two-way street so we can also think of sexy ways to give consent.
You can use phrases like “keep doing that” or “that feels so good.” Be positive and vocal when you are enjoying yourself. If that shifts, you can say “can we go back to what you were doing before? I loved that” or “can you move your body this way (or back to a different position)?” If sex moves painful or you feel unsafe, don’t hesitate to say stop.
Body language is also important while giving consent.
Consent is not exclusively verbal, so look for positive sounds and body language like kissing back, pulling closer, and smiling in junction with that verbal.
You’ll also have non-verbal cues for when you or a partner can’t verbally communicate and these cues can differ from partner to partner, and in sexual acts. This could be a tapping on your partner that things need to slow down or stop all together. Be sensitive to these cues and don’t hesitate to ask your partner what these cues might be if there is ambiguity.
The point of sex is pleasure, and without consent there is no pleasure. Consent is all about enjoyment. Fight off any nerves and don’t worry about awkwardness. Knowing that your partner is having a good time is what will make you have a good time, and knowing your partner wants you to have a good time is even sexier. So, use that dirty talk and get that consent!