Dirty Little Secrets

Do you have things you don’t talk about in regards to sex? Most of us have many ‘secrets’ about our sexuality, our erotic fantasies, our past experiences, our desires. Sex has been so shrouded in shame and secrecy in our culture, that we barely acknowledge our own thoughts and feelings anymore.

All this secrecy around sex and sexuality leads to many difficulties when it comes to intimacy and relationships. Shame develops and encompasses these secrets and makes it almost impossible to uncover the original need to keep the secret in the first place.

The feeling of shame is one of the most intense feelings we can have as human beings. In fact, it can be such an uncomfortable feeling that we would do almost anything in order not to feel it. Sometimes this manifests as a swing between shame and grandiosity where we overcome our feeling of shame by having a grandiose self image, or in other words, becoming narcissistic.

So how does this relate to intimacy? Well, it doesn’t and that is the problem. We cannot be in a state of shame or in a state of grandiosity and experience true intimacy. These polar opposites which work in conjunction with each other to protect us from the uncomfortable feelings actually make it impossible for us to form close connection with others.

When we are in a state of shame around our sexuality it stops us from connecting intimately. This leads to a disconnect between our heart and our genitals, a rift between sex and intimacy. We no longer feel able to have intimacy and sex with the same person.


That may seem pretty extreme to many of you, but as a sex educator, I see this all too often. A client comes in to see me because the sex in their relationship has died. However, once we begin to dig a bit deeper, we discover that this person has a sex addiction and is constantly seeking sexual fulfillment with complete strangers, outside their primary relationship. Why does this happen?

There are probably as many answers to this question as there are people, however, one can see that intimacy and sex are not being shared within one relationship. This often arises when one or both partners have deep-seated shame around their sexuality in some way. This shame keeps them from sharing their ‘secrets’ with their intimate partner, instead they look elsewhere to get their needs met with people they don’t ‘care’ about.

It is too vulnerable to bring their secret shame to their partner.

This is the unfortunate reason for many relationship break downs and this is where Somatic Sex Educators can fill a gap in our support system.

Somatic Sex Educators create a place of safety and support for a person, without the added pressure of an intimate relationship, where someone can bring their hidden secrets and their shame and be held in compassion. Non-judgement is a primary element of the field of Somatic Sex Education, and in this way, offers an enlightening new way of exploring these uncomfortable feelings without fear.

Admitting our ‘shameful secrets’ to anyone takes much courage and a willingness to be more self aware. The benefit is that intimacy and connectedness become possible. And who doesn’t want to feel connected in an intimate way with others?

I offer free consults, either online, by email or in person. They are completely confidential with no obligation to commit to anything more than the initial connection. I aim to offer a safe and non-judgemental space for people to have the courage to confront their inner being, their shame and their eroticism.

Originally posted: https://www.pleasureforhealth.com/pleasure-ripples-blog1/2020/2/28/dirty-little-secrets

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